I've been thinking lately and I've realized that I am still very affected by the abuse I endured when I lived with my parents. I can't stand peoples touch unless it is my husband, the only man I feel safe around. I can't even stand letting anyone stand on my left because I can't see that well to my left. When there is an argument or confrontation with anyone I shut down on them and myself. I also realize that my self worth is sorely lacking.

Why is it so easy for me to feel dead inside? Why is that hollow place inside so hard to fill? I thought I was getting better now that I am with my loving husband.

I am scared because I'm wanting to drink when I start feeling this way. I wont let my problems hurt my child though! I wont ever hurt him like I was.

.... people need to realize that what they do to their children stay with them for longer that anyone knows.

sometimes i hate my self... sometimes i hate the world... sometimes when i don't know how to deal with it I shut down and try to hide it, putting on the smile i learned to keep on when i was young and had to hide the welts or bruises.

I am trying to heal with my husband and trying to help him heal from the things he endured from his ex.

there is a line in a song that really rings true with me and my husband. : I realise that I am damaged, I sympathise that you are too.

......why do I feel this way...... when will I heal.......


sorry I just needed to write this down. . .